The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
