when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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