9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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