I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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