after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
