Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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