Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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