I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
