I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
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I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
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Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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