I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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