just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
