Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
