Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
