Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize