we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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