listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
