my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
