dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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