thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
