You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
