Your mouth is God's brothel.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Randomize
