If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
