She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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