I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
