dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
