hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
