I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
