If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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