i think my tv is drunk
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
