3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I think a kid would responsible me up
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
