and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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