Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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