my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
