so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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