You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
