Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
