i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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