He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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