With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
