why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
