Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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