i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
