I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
