You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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