so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
