I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
