The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
