apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
