if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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