did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
We named our party play list daddy issues
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
