I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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