Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
