maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
