I need to stop coming to work sober
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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