your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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