i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
