the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
God, I missed his penis.
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