I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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