Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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